How am I learning to parent? No one has taught me. I have observed others. Mainly, as I usually do when I have something to learn, I have immersed myself in information, read widely, absorbed whatever I can on the subject. And why has my interest landed on something called Attachment Parenting? I'm not sure. I'm a bit of a theory magpie in general. Something new and shiny takes my fancy and I adopt it. A lot of what is written is compatible with my philosophy of therapy and my beliefs about the therapeutic relationship. But it is mainly instinctive, because I read what others have written and I agree with more than I disagree. My philosophy of Being Human, then. (When I first became pregnant I bought a Gina Ford book, and was mightily pleased the day I posted it off to the person on Amazon who bought it from me. Perhaps that was an unethical act? It's a book that shouldn't really be passed onwards, lol.) I don't know if I AM an Attachment Parent (!), and largely I don't think it matters what I do, it's more about the spirit in which I parent. That's not to say that I don't sometimes worry that the AP community would frown at me pushing the Monkey in her buggy instead of carrying her, and other transgressions. But that's about me and my need for approval and acceptance.
It is so humbling being a mama. I don't have it all planned out. I'm not in control. I don't know what I am doing most of the time, I'm riding this wave of ecstasy, euphoria, the most sweetest, delicate intimacy... but it crashes and then there is the frustration, the anger, the tiredness, the fear and anxiety. I suppose that's how people like Gina Ford make their money. They proffer a solution to the lack of control and the anxiety: do this, and do it consistently, and your baby will (sleep through the night/ Be Good/ Nap When Convenient To Do So etc.) Da-da.
I don't know what I am trying to say. I can tell you that this morning I was breastfeeding Monkey and I decided to do it mindfully. I lay there, feeling her mouth around my nipple, that beautiful little fluttering, and I immersed myself in that moment (it was only moments, seconds) and it was perfect, complete. And I felt perfect and complete, we were a perfect, complete system.