Stuff and whatnot

Photo from here, also see Etsy shop here.

Isn't the weather just divine? I wish I was having this picnic, and I wish we were beside the sea rather than stuck here in the 'burbs. The Monkey is crashed out in her cot after spending a couple of hours in Nanny and Grandad's garden while I was at work. She's great at the moment, getting more confident on her feet, sleeping amazingly well, I feel very fortunate to have her around. She's the best. Her daddy was away for a couple of days last week in Cannes, so it's good to have him back too. I'm still trying to be mindful of what I am eating, although I'm finding that my resolve slips as we approach the end of the week and I get a bit tired of cooking from scratch and start fantasising about takeaways. The hot weather helps as it decreases my appetite anyway. I've been losing about 2lbs a week so far, which feels healthy and sustainable and hopefully will ease my passage into the funky new dress I've bought for some upcoming summery parties!

On Saturday I attended a professional workshop on CBT for Depression. It's the first professional development workshop I've done since I had the baby and it really reinforced to me that I need regular events like this both to update my skills but also to network with other therapists. Working in private practice can be quite isolating and it can rapidly become quite stultifying, just this one workshop has sparked ideas and plans and re-ignited my interest in my work. I've decided that once a month I am going to set aside a whole day for CPD and ask one of the grandparents to have the baby. I'll do a workshop as frequently as possible and if not, I'll go into London and spend the day reading or researching. When I was doing my MA dissertation I loved spending the entire day in Borders coffee shop, I'd gather a pile of books on my way up and just work my way through them. I've wholeheartedly enjoyed my first year of motherhood but until now work has felt like an intrusion into my time rather than a welcome additional facet to my life. I didn't realise until Saturday that my professional confidence has really taken a nosedive and I need to do something about that. Work is quiet at the moment, the flow of referrals is more a trickle, so it's the perfect time to do something constructive, particularly as we are still in the limbo of being on-the-way-to-moving-house.

And on a completely random note, can anyone tell me how to 'strike through' text on Blogger?

Thoughts on Passions and Projects

Something about this post by Mon has stayed with me since I first read it, and my thoughts are developing around the idea of passion and a project, and hopefully finding a way to combine the two. I love my life, I love being a Mama and being a wife, and although I find it hard to leave the Monkey I do like (do I love?) my work as a therapist. I haven't really written about my work here on the blog, partly because confidentiality means that of course I can't share anything that might potentially identify a client, but also because I feel a little embarrassed that my job involves helping people make sense of their lives when this blog often describes my struggles to be a grown-up, mature, patient person, i.e. the qualities one really expects of a psychotherapist! I also fear being judged by my age, that others might feel I don't have the necessary life experience, at 35, to be of help to others in crisis. But I digress...

I need a project, something that inspires me, engrosses me, perhaps something that takes me away from the more prosaic, practical, routine elements of mothering and running a home, something educative, something- dare I say- spiritual? Enlightening? Something with depth, something intellectually challenging. I love learning, and I'd like to learn about something new (or not yet well-known to me) in depth and in detail. I think it needs to be either psychology or philosophy-related, because I also need to be doing some continuing professional development. For some reason I have Jung on my mind, archetypal, depth psychology, something like that?I have considered studying more on Mindfulness but whilst I love to read about it I am useless at the practical application, I have no discipline for cultivating Presence, and without the practice the theory is hollow. The internet is a bit of a demon because it means I just flit around from subject to subject, I might order a book on Amazon, it goes on the pile, I read a little and move onto the next thing... Jack of All Trades, Master of None.

Back to Mon's post, she wrote, "If I do only what I'm passionate about, I have MORE TIME THAN I NEED" [her caps]. Wow. That's great, because I never have enough time. I want to look after my baby, be present for my marriage, nurture connections and friendships with old friends and new, I need to KNIT, cook and now I want to find the right area of study for some personal development. But how do I fit all of that in to my life and sleep?*  How will I know if I am doing that which I am passionate about? How do I find my passion?

*My first thought was to delete my Facebook account, I waste far too much time on there, "looking at stranger's photographs", as DH puts it. I think it would be a good idea but I'm scared of missing something!

Some thoughts on parenting...

How am I learning to parent? No one has taught me. I have observed others. Mainly, as I usually do when I have something to learn, I have immersed myself in information, read widely, absorbed whatever I can on the subject. And why has my interest landed on something called Attachment Parenting? I'm not sure. I'm a bit of a theory magpie in general. Something new and shiny takes my fancy and I adopt it. A lot of what is written is compatible with my philosophy of therapy and my beliefs about the therapeutic relationship. But it is mainly instinctive, because I read what others have written and I agree with more than I disagree. My philosophy of Being Human, then. (When I first became pregnant I bought a Gina Ford book, and was mightily pleased the day I posted it off to the person on Amazon who bought it from me. Perhaps that was an unethical act? It's a book that shouldn't really be passed onwards, lol.) I don't know if I AM an Attachment Parent (!), and largely I don't think it matters what I do, it's more about the spirit in which I parent. That's not to say that I don't sometimes worry that the AP community would frown at me pushing the Monkey in her buggy instead of carrying her, and other transgressions. But that's about me and my need for approval and acceptance.

It is so humbling being a mama. I don't have it all planned out. I'm not in control. I don't know what I am doing most of the time, I'm riding this wave of ecstasy, euphoria, the most sweetest, delicate intimacy... but it crashes and then there is the frustration, the anger, the tiredness, the fear and anxiety. I suppose that's how people like Gina Ford make their money. They proffer a solution to the lack of control and the anxiety: do this, and do it consistently, and your baby will (sleep through the night/ Be Good/ Nap When Convenient To Do So etc.) Da-da. 

I don't know what I am trying to say. I can tell you that this morning I was breastfeeding Monkey and I decided to do it mindfully. I lay there, feeling her mouth around my nipple, that beautiful little fluttering, and I immersed myself in that moment (it was only moments, seconds) and it was perfect, complete. And I felt perfect and complete, we were a perfect, complete system.