Do you know that horrible feeling when you've sent an email you rather wish you hadn't, and you're sitting waiting for the reply with a sense of dread in your stomach? That's what I'm sitting with tonight. One of the women from my ante-natal class sent an email to the rest of the group saying that she was going to be starting controlled crying with her baby tonight, because she had not been sleeping well. To be honest I was really shocked, she wasn't someone I was expecting to do that kind of thing. In the email she said she felt horrible about it, especially considering her baby was poorly at the moment and was also going to be spending her first night alone in her nursery. She wasn't asking for any advice, but is it fair to say that if someone writes something like that they should expect some sort of feedback? Is there an unwritten rule that we only support and not question one another? So far it has seemed like that. I ummed and ahhed about replying, initially deciding not to, but then I sent a brief reply, quoting what she had written, and asking why, if she was so sure it would be "horrid", was she going to do it? I signed it "With hugs, not judging, just curious", which feels disingenuous because if I am honest with myself I
do feel judgmental about it and strongly disagree with controlled crying. But it's not my place to judge another's parenting, she has her own good reasons, and I should have held off. I think.
I guess I'm also struggling again with my own parenting style. Maybe it's easier to condemn someone else's choice than honestly appraise my own? Monkey has been in our bed with me for the last couple of nights. I bought a travel cot because we were staying at my Mum's, but couldn't settle her to sleep in it. I know my Mum thinks that the baby should be in her own bed, and that she should be able to get herself to sleep without being nursed, and for the last week or two I've been a bit swayed by that, I guess thinking that I would get approval if I could 'succeed' in getting her to bed that way. But it didn't feel right taking that comfort away from her, and I couldn't stick with it. I like having our baby in bed with us. She's tiny, she'll grow up far too quickly as it is, and I trust the parents who report that co-sleeping babies develop into confident, secure children who, of their own accord, decide at a time that's right for them that they'd like to sleep in a bed or room of their own. The inner voice questions this. Don't you just like feeling special, knowing that the baby depends on you? Aren't you being selfish? Shouldn't you facilitate night-weaning so that she can soothe and settle herself? There are no easy answers. Just more questions.
